Monday, January 10, 2011

Living is not enough...

How many of us seem to drift through life in a daily routine which makes them miserable? . I have been back in Ireland one month now. One whole month and so far I have achieved nothing of any significance, then again how was I ever supposed to. I had no plan, no motivation nor did I put myself in a position to get lucky and stumble upon something. What I have had is a lot of time to reminisce about my old life in America, happiness and the joys of life and my recent regression into someone who I am unhappy with being. It took me less than a week to return to old ways. I have hurt the people that love me, drank excessively and gambled like a possessed loon. Perceived good times not that long ago but no more because now I am a changed person. I have seen what im capable of and to be honest I quite enjoyed being a caring happy person. Strange I know...

So what does this all mean, well I read about Breifne's challenge ten a while back and took some inspiration from it. I created my own list but at the time was torn between staying in america and returning and this was reflected in my list.It was split evenly between goals and opportunities in both Europe and America. It is going to be impossible to recreate my life from there here but thats not the plan anyway, I plan to better it. I no longer will drift through life aimlessly from one doomed day to another. I want freedom from the shackles of depression and a lethargic drive and acceptance of mediocrity. How I plan to go about this is something I haven't quite finalised just yet. I really like the idea of setting myself a number of challenges and having that feeling of pride when ticking them off one at a time. I have a basic list done and over the next day or so I will complete it with things that I feel I can accomplish. I'm highly cocky and arrogant though so no doubt I'll vastly over estimate my abilities in achieving certain things. Then again though what happens when I complete the list? Will I forever be setting myself challenges to take my mind off the self centred grimness I have, thats just replacing one addiction with another. I want to reach a point in my life where it doesnt matter what I am doing as regardless I will be free and content.

I plan on getting fitter, having friends i'm happy to be around, becoming more creative both artistically and with taking up writing again and finally to be a good person. Saw a headline on one of the girly magazines "Would you hang out with yourself" I think I would now no doubt Me, Myself and I would have the mopiest conversations around but the question has a valid point in that I may end up having to hang out by myself if I keep on the path I am going down. Thats a lonely road I do not intend to end up on.

Thats the self indulgent preamble out of the way now to actually put things in motion...